I Wasn’t Always Like This: a reflection on change

Mosh pits. Loud music. Minimal clothing. Late hours. Poor lighting. Suggestive dancing.

These are the elements of the Halloween party I was forced to attend last night, as the pianist for a good friend who had been asked to sing. Of course I was happy to help him, even if it meant I didn’t get my weekly Sherlock fix, because friends.

I walked down about 50 stone steps into the back yard of some boys in our ward and saw the mosh pit. I also heard excessively loud drumming and felt the temperature rise about 15 degrees as I neared the humans. I immediately felt uncomfortable.

After what felt like 4 hours of torture, where I was on the brink of tears and experiencing my own personal Hell, Mike decided not to sing the songs I played with him. Eagerly my girlfriends and I took off. As we were leaving, my friend Tori turned to me and said, “You know, I didn’t used to be this lame.”

This gave me pause, because a) I don’t think it’s lame to leave a party where the Spirit can’t be, and b) Shoots, I didn’t used to be like this either.

Did I attend wild parties before my mission? No. Did I enjoy low-qual music? Heck no. But before my mission, I could handle the big groups and loud music and late nights. Before my mission, I could also handle going places by myself, sleeping past 8, going to bed after 11, and not ever making plans. Before my mission, I was a different girl.

I can honestly say that I was my #1 convert. I already had a burning testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and the Book of Mormon, but it sure did get stronger every time I shared it. I already knew the Gospel blesses families, but I know it even better now that I’ve seen it bring families together. I already knew that God loves all His children, but I felt His love for them more powerfully than I ever had before or since.

So although it may seem lame that I don’t like big parties anymore, I’m going to resist that. I’m going to embrace the changes I experienced on my mission, such as delighting in setting goals and making plans, and continue to progress.

I don’t think God wants me to be like I used to be.