Hello! I’ve been off the grid (as far as social media and this blog go) for the last few months, but I’ve decided to return to the blog because I miss writing. So I hope at least a few of you will still be around!
I need to establish a core belief I hold before continuing on my chosen topic for this post: there is no “one and only” out there. There are no such things as soulmates. There is not just ONE person that you were predestined to find and be with for eternity.
Having said that, I do believe Spencer is my soulmate. But we COULD HAVE found other people and lived reasonably happy lives if our paths had never crossed. Thank goodness they did.
Anyway, the purpose of this post isn’t to discuss the intricacies of how our lives play out and how much control we actually have in the day-to-day events/ overall projection of our lives. Maybe I’ll blog about that another day. Today my purpose is to talk about how to meet, fall in love with, and marry the love of your life.
Step one: DON’T STRESS
As many of my loved ones can attest, I spent a good portion of my twenties (yes I know I’m only 26 don’t @ me) believing I wouldn’t get married in this life. I’d be in countless (literally countless omg #ysawards #byu) lessons/ firesides/ devotionals/ lectures about dating and marriage, and just feel incredibly guilty. Like, what was I doing wrong? I’d been a consecrated missionary, and I did my best to be faithful and strong after the mission. According to everyone (and by everyone I mean the adults giving these talks/ lessons) the most important thing we needed to be doing after the mission was focusing on finding an eternal companion. So in the same way that I invested myself on the mission, I did my best to invest myself in my new “mission.” But the irony here is that higher stress and anxiety about getting married did not correlate with getting closer to finding the love of my life. It may have resulted in dating more, but dating had nothing to do with finding Spencer. (this topic to be revisited here in a bit.) Stressing does not help. In fact I would say stressing does the opposite. So let’s all (hello adults talking to YSAs) just calm down about dating and marriage. It’ll happen when it happens.
Step two: DO YOU
Rather than worrying about being in the right place at the right time (e.g. a stake dance, other singles events, etc.) just do stuff that makes you happy. That’s not to say you should be selfish and only focus on yourself. What it IS to say is you should be spending time doing things that you enjoy, thereby leading you to people that enjoy similar things, thereby helping you be more content, thereby preparing you for marriage/ the rest of a happier life. Men aren’t that they might get married. They are that they might have joy. I trust that marriage brings joy, but so do other things, and if you already have joy, then I think marriage will be a lot more joyful.
Step three: STRIVE TO MAKE THE SAVIOR BAE
Does that sound sacrilegious? I think it probably does. But what I’m trying to convey here is that as long as He’s before anyone else, you’re good. Like obviously it’s different than having an actual significant other, but He should be your #1 forever, so this is really good practice time. Being single affords all kinds of time (lol not really it can if you prioritize) to really delve into the scriptures and go to the temple regularly and minister and do all sorts of other things that bring you closer to the Savior. Working at the temple is an awesome thing to do while you’re single. This is also a great time to form habits that will bless you for eternity.
Step four: ONLY DATE IF YOU WANT TO
I say dating schmating. If dating is fun for you, knock yourself out. If dating isn’t fun for you, see step two. I recognize that there is value in “practicing” and developing social skills and learning about yourself and what you’re looking for/ what you are NOT looking for. Dating is also an opportunity to share time with fellow children of God and offer kindness, etc. etc. Dating can be good. But dating in a culture full of marriage pressure/ other expectations isn’t necessarily fun. Maybe it is. Maybe free food, you know? But still. What I say now is definitely controversial, and nobody has to agree with me. But here’s my opinion: no one is obligated to go on any dates he or she doesn’t want to go on. You are at absolute liberty to say no for no reason. You’re not into it? Say no. You’d rather hang out with your roommates? Say no. Your show is on? Say no. That does not make you a jerk. I know some people aren’t initially interested, and then they go on a date and hit it off and it’s amazing and now they’ve been married for 40 years and good thing they went on that first date or else who knows where they’d be. Sure whatever. But I say only go on dates you want to go on, and never feel bad for just doing what you want.
Step five: BE OPEN TO CONNECTION
Set boundaries and do you and focus on your own happiness and your relationship with the Savior and serving others. But when you find yourself wanting to spend more time with someone (which may be more likely to happen if you’re spending time doing things you love) then go for it!!! Be vulnerable if you feel like you should be. Have enough self compassion to continue with your happy life if things progress, or if things don’t. Depending on the circumstance, this could mean saying yes to dates you aren’t like completely crazy about going on. The important thing here is to not close yourself off completely. Be ready if the opportunity arises.
There are my five easy steps to finding your eternal companion. Take them with a grain of salt since I’m not even married yet. But I’ll close with a quote by President Uchtdorf, who should not be taken with a grain of salt.
So once you’ve found your person, which is NOT the only goal of this life and you’re still a good person if you haven’t found someone to be with for eternity, then you have a soulmate! Yay!
What do you think of my five easy steps?
btw I am extremely aware that they are not easy. I would never dream of writing a blog like this if I actually thought finding your soulmate could happen easily. Nothing good in life comes easily. Being a single member of the Church is really really really hard. I just wanted to share my experiences and thoughts, and I hope they can be helpful to some people. At the end of the day, the only really important part of our identity is that we’re children of God and disciples of Christ.
Way to go Lind! Excited for you!