Category: Just thoughts

Hello! I’ve been off the grid (as far as social media and this blog go) for the last few months, but I’ve decided to return to the blog because I miss writing. So I hope at least a few of you will still be around!

I need to establish a core belief I hold before continuing on my chosen topic for this post: there is no “one and only” out there. There are no such things as soulmates. There is not just ONE person that you were predestined to find and be with for eternity.

Having said that, I do believe Spencer is my soulmate. But we COULD HAVE found other people and lived reasonably happy lives if our paths had never crossed. Thank goodness they did.

Anyway, the purpose of this post isn’t to discuss the intricacies of how our lives play out and how much control we actually have in the day-to-day events/ overall projection of our lives. Maybe I’ll blog about that another day. Today my purpose is to talk about how to meet, fall in love with, and marry the love of your life.

Step one: DON’T STRESS
As many of my loved ones can attest, I spent a good portion of my twenties (yes I know I’m only 26 don’t @ me) believing I wouldn’t get married in this life. I’d be in countless (literally countless omg #ysawards #byu) lessons/ firesides/ devotionals/ lectures about dating and marriage, and just feel incredibly guilty. Like, what was I doing wrong? I’d been a consecrated missionary, and I did my best to be faithful and strong after the mission. According to everyone (and by everyone I mean the adults giving these talks/ lessons) the most important thing we needed to be doing after the mission was focusing on finding an eternal companion. So in the same way that I invested myself on the mission, I did my best to invest myself in my new “mission.” But the irony here is that higher stress and anxiety about getting married did not correlate with getting closer to finding the love of my life. It may have resulted in dating more, but dating had nothing to do with finding Spencer. (this topic to be revisited here in a bit.) Stressing does not help. In fact I would say stressing does the opposite. So let’s all (hello adults talking to YSAs) just calm down about dating and marriage. It’ll happen when it happens.

Step two: DO YOU
Rather than worrying about being in the right place at the right time (e.g. a stake dance, other singles events, etc.) just do stuff that makes you happy. That’s not to say you should be selfish and only focus on yourself. What it IS to say is you should be spending time doing things that you enjoy, thereby leading you to people that enjoy similar things, thereby helping you be more content, thereby preparing you for marriage/ the rest of a happier life. Men aren’t that they might get married. They are that they might have joy. I trust that marriage brings joy, but so do other things, and if you already have joy, then I think marriage will be a lot more joyful.

Step three: STRIVE TO MAKE THE SAVIOR BAE
Does that sound sacrilegious? I think it probably does. But what I’m trying to convey here is that as long as He’s before anyone else, you’re good. Like obviously it’s different than having an actual significant other, but He should be your #1 forever, so this is really good practice time. Being single affords all kinds of time (lol not really it can if you prioritize) to really delve into the scriptures and go to the temple regularly and minister and do all sorts of other things that bring you closer to the Savior. Working at the temple is an awesome thing to do while you’re single. This is also a great time to form habits that will bless you for eternity.

Step four: ONLY DATE IF YOU WANT TO
I say dating schmating. If dating is fun for you, knock yourself out. If dating isn’t fun for you, see step two. I recognize that there is value in “practicing” and developing social skills and learning about yourself and what you’re looking for/ what you are NOT looking for. Dating is also an opportunity to share time with fellow children of God and offer kindness, etc. etc. Dating can be good. But dating in a culture full of marriage pressure/ other expectations isn’t necessarily fun. Maybe it is. Maybe free food, you know? But still. What I say now is definitely controversial, and nobody has to agree with me. But here’s my opinion: no one is obligated to go on any dates he or she doesn’t want to go on. You are at absolute liberty to say no for no reason. You’re not into it? Say no. You’d rather hang out with your roommates? Say no. Your show is on? Say no. That does not make you a jerk. I know some people aren’t initially interested, and then they go on a date and hit it off and it’s amazing and now they’ve been married for 40 years and good thing they went on that first date or else who knows where they’d be. Sure whatever. But I say only go on dates you want to go on, and never feel bad for just doing what you want.

Step five: BE OPEN TO CONNECTION
Set boundaries and do you and focus on your own happiness and your relationship with the Savior and serving others. But when you find yourself wanting to spend more time with someone (which may be more likely to happen if you’re spending time doing things you love) then go for it!!! Be vulnerable if you feel like you should be. Have enough self compassion to continue with your happy life if things progress, or if things don’t. Depending on the circumstance, this could mean saying yes to dates you aren’t like completely crazy about going on. The important thing here is to not close yourself off completely. Be ready if the opportunity arises.

There are my five easy steps to finding your eternal companion. Take them with a grain of salt since I’m not even married yet. But I’ll close with a quote by President Uchtdorf, who should not be taken with a grain of salt.

So once you’ve found your person, which is NOT the only goal of this life and you’re still a good person if you haven’t found someone to be with for eternity, then you have a soulmate! Yay!

What do you think of my five easy steps?

btw I am extremely aware that they are not easy. I would never dream of writing a blog like this if I actually thought finding your soulmate could happen easily. Nothing good in life comes easily. Being a single member of the Church is really really really hard. I just wanted to share my experiences and thoughts, and I hope they can be helpful to some people. At the end of the day, the only really important part of our identity is that we’re children of God and disciples of Christ.

I’m just going to come out and say it: I don’t like dating. I’m sick of it, it stresses me out, and I would love nothing more than to never go on another first date in my life.

That’s not to say that everything about dating is bad. (#freefood) In fact I went on an uncharacteristically fantastic first date on Friday. (I go on a lot of first dates.) It’s just the whole processssss that I hate.

So I’ve recently discovered the musical Waitress (LOVE LOVE LOVE), and one song in Act 1 pretty much perfectly presents my feelings about dating.

Amazing, right? Now let’s break it down:
*Dating is stressful because there’s so much unknown
*What if I’m totally authentically Amber and he hates it?
*What if I’m totally authentically Amber and he likes it??
*I’m scared of breaking open. It’s terrifying.

Sheesh, this turned out to be a way more vulnerable post than I was planning. The point is that I’m always talking about how dating is the worst, but the truth is there’s way more to it than that. It’s scary to show up and be seen, and risk rejection. It’s also scary to be on the other end, potentially hurting someone who is showing up and being seen. It’s all a painful process that I would dearly love to be done with.

One of my new year’s resolutions for 2018 was to do Duolingo French every day. I did awesome for 69 days straight, and then one day I missed and the streak was over.

This green crying owl accurately embodies the emotion I experienced when I realized my streak was broken. (This image is NOT mine. My streak was 69 DAYS, and it was French!)

So I was bummed for a bit, and I’ll admit I even considered paying $7 to repair the damage (as I mindlessly did the other day for Spanish, which is a language I’m already fluent in. #whatismyproblem). But I was able to put it out of my mind until the end of the day, when I called my dad to tell him all the horrible things that had happened that day.

I started telling him about how I’d gone to bed at 2:30 the night before because my friend got kicked out of her apartment by her evil roommates and she told me the whole story which took 4 hours, and by the the time she was done telling me the story it was waaaay past my bedtime and already a new day so my duolingo streak was broken and I couldn’t work out either so my goals were failed and I suck………

Then my dad cut in. He was like, “If I’m understanding you correctly, you didn’t do duolingo or work out because you were helping a friend.” Ummm yes… “So what do you think is more important? Meeting a personal, arbitrary goal? Or serving someone in need?

Obvi service. My only real goal is to become more like Jesus, and let’s be honest doing duolingo isn’t really getting me there. When it comes to good, better, and best, SERVICE and putting others’ needs before my own are the best things we can possibly do to become more like the Savior.

So now whenever I open the duolingo app and see my broken streak, I’m reminded that I broke it because I care more about people than numbers. I’d even go so far as to say that helping my friend would have been more important than my scripture study or other super important things I do every day. Mosiah 2:17.

Lesson learned: people first.

Okay, Imma get super real today. Or tonight, rather. It’s almost 3am, and I’m wide awake as I toss and turn in my bed, pondering on some of my deep flaws. Tbh it’s been pretty overwhelming.

Here’s the situation: I’ve always known I was opinionated. Amber Blair has opinions about everything, and she’s not afraid to share them. But whhhhhhhhy? Why do I always have to give my opinion? Literally nobody asked for it. I was thinking about that when this line from Anne of Green Gables popped into my head:

“Mrs Rachel was one of those delightful and popular people who pride themselves on speaking their mind without fear or favour.”

lol that’s me. But not really lol, because this is not funny. Rachel Lynde is not a character you’re supposed to like. She’s kind of the worst.

Also this:

“Mrs. Lynde dearly loved to be asked for advice.”

I LOVE it when people ask my advice.

So here I am at a moment of reckoning: that awkward moment when you realize you embody the characteristics of one of the least-likeable literary characters of fictional history.

How do I feel? Ashamed. Scared. Angry. Like I want to run away to Iceland, where no one knows me, and start a new life where I never give my opinion on anything unless expressly asked. Oh to be able to start over.

Unfortunately that doesn’t seem like the most plausible or productive option for me at this point in my life. As wonderful as Iceland is, and as much as I loved vacationing there last Summer, opportunities to progress in my career and in other aspects of my life are probably pretty thin on the line over there. Alas.

So what am I going to do? Hiding away in my shame won’t get me anywhere. (As a side note– it kind of sucks to realize that it is in fact my own fault that I’m not married.) So I’ll do my best to get over my shame, and then work as hard as I possibly can to never give opinions. Obviously I can’t do this on my own, so this will involve serious help from my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, who knows exactly how to help me. (Alma 7:11-13)

I think things will be okay. I’m still super embarrassed of the last 26 years of my life and how I made people feel uncomfortable and judged all the time. But I am capable of change through Christ. Hopefully everyone who has known me will be able to forgive me and allow me to progress. I am hands-down the most flawed person I know, but I believe my weaknesses can become strengths.

This Summer has been one of discovery, so I want to take this opportunity to recommend some of my new discoveries.

Music: Sigur Ros
I discovered this band while I was in Iceland. They’re from Iceland, and their sound is ethereally beautiful. They are in fact my favorite band.

TV show: This is Us
I’m like the last person in the world to discover this show, but it’s as good as everyone says. It’s also clean, which is a big deal for me. I’m not done with the first season yet, but so far I’m loving it.

Activity: cooking
I’ve started cooking, and I’m discovering that I’m not as bad as I thought! I’ve been tackling my food board (the first board I ever made on Pinterest) and it’s been so fun! I doubt it will continue once school starts again, but at least I have more confidence now.

Website: Goodreads
I’m also super late on this bandwagon. But Goodreads is social media for books. It’s fun to rate a book after finishing it, and nice to keep track of what I’ve read, what I want to read, and what I’m currently reading.

Exercise: Hot Yoga
I did hot yoga with one of my companions last week, and it was awesome. It’s yoga in 105 degrees, which is just as uncomfortable as it sounds. But it felt great after.

Fact of life: I’m always lost
Okay, this isn’t a new discovery. But it’s true. I hate going places by myself, and the real reason is because whenever I do venture out alone, I always get lost. It’s the worst.

So I’ve had a pretty epic first teacher Summer so far. #teacherSummer #teacheroffduty

I’ve checked off several bucket list items already, and I’ve been learning and growing like crazy. HOWEVER, as I’ve discussed here on multiple occasions, I am by no means where I’d “planned” to be at this point in my life. If all had gone according to “plan,” I would’ve met my soulmate a few weeks after getting home from my mission, fallen madly in love with him (but kept it to myself), been heavily pursued by him, finally agreed to date and marry him, and had at least two babies by this point while also having graduated with a teaching licence and put my husband through medical school.

Instead, I just finished my (super hard) first year of teaching. I was in a refiner’s fire for like 10 months, so hopefully I’m way more polished now. I have tons more life experience. I’ve been to EUROPE and learned about other cultures and all kinds of other interesting things. I ran a marathon in Southern England! I experienced authentic Finnish sauna! I went to King’s Cross! I navigated Iceland all by myself!

Turns out God’s plan was better than mine. I never thought I’d say this, but I’m grateful that I’m single right now! I have an amazing life, and I’m doing incredible things that I would never have done if I were married. I’m not saying life gets lame when you get married, but things change. And I’m grateful I’m in my present situation. My life is good.