Me: What is the plural of pig?
3rd grade boy: Extra bacon!
Me: What is the plural of goose?
3rd grade girl: Lots of pillows.

Me: What do teachers and students have in common?
[long pause]
3rd grade girl: Ummmm they’re both human?

Me: You don’t have a boyfriend, right?
3rd grade girl: Ewww!! Don’t make me throw up already!

3rd grade boy: In my family, we don’t celebrate Harry Potter.

3rd grade boy: [on Valentine’s Day] I’m on a diet to get bigger, so I’m going to eat more candy.

Amanda: One of my favorite scriptures is “And the liar shall be thrust down to Hell.”

Addison: Apparently Asians flock to me.

Me: I don’t want to be ENFP! Michael Scott is ENFP.
Sophie: Well, Saddam Hussein is my personality type.

3rd grade boy: You have a jawline.
Me: Everyone has a jawline.
3rd grade boy: Not me, because I’m too fat.

3rd grade girl: I could starve myself if I wanted.
3rd grade boy: Well I could strangle myself if I wanted.

Maude: If you’re having a hard time, it may be that God and Satan are just messing with you.

Sophie: What musical number do you want at your funeral?
Kristen: “Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead.”

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